I am not in the market for a fake Rolex watch. I have a perfectly good 20 year old Casio digital watch good for depths of 200 metres, thanks very much, and it keeps perfect time. Replacement batteries and straps have cost me more than the original watch, but I don’t care. It is not a fake Casio.

I am not in the market for a fake Louis Vuitton wallet. I have a perfectly good Bosca wallet, now eight years old but still looking like new. It is not a fake Bosca wallet.

I have no desire to join the ‘Vegas and Royal Casino’. I am not a gambler and never have been.

Sunreef Yachts may well be a leader in the marine industry, but I doubt that they have an agent called Norma Mosley who uses a Hotmail e-mail address. So, Norma, you will get no information from me.

I don’t care if Britney Spears divorced Kevin Federline or signed a family bag of Dill Pickle flavoured potato chips for a star struck onlooker at her local 7-11. I don’t need pics of the events or a three paragraph rundown of either event.

I am quite happy to purchase Tylenol at my local pharmacy as and when required. A small pack lasts me 6 months.

I know what you people are trying to get me to do, and it is not working out well for you at all. If you think that I am about to click on any of your links, thereby picking up an infection for my troubles, think again.

You are too illiterate, too stupid. You haven’t done your basic marketing too well. I don’t buy or am ever tempted to buy services or goods from ibad maildiots.

To the moron who sent this one out (pic to the right), I say this.

This is singularly the saddest attempt yet to infect my computer. What were you thinking about? Look at the top!! Advertising your hidden wares like this is not smart.

If you are going to demand a ransom for something of mine, ensure that I have actually gotten ‘whatever it is’ first. Asking $50,000 for something I don’t have or want is pointless.

You would have scored more Brownie points if you had told me that I had won the Microsoft Online Lottery, albeit not enough to equal the value of one air mile.

If you qualify for occupational therapy, go for the basket weaving. You can make yourself a waste basket which you can then wear proudly.